boy love

The voice,of home?

2010-10-05T07:13:00.000-07:00

The faceless Justice...
The impartial Law...
The necessity to be firm. To hurt. Even when the others are being hurt.
Why is it that we can never seem to be forgiving?
For pride?
For a strong front?
The minorities are suffering for the judistry of the majority.
We exist as if to make them strong.
For the self-exalting personality of mankind,we trample down upon the ones we deem unfit to survive.
For the cost of another's pain,we look stronger.
A conscience review is in order.

We as humans were given a higher order of thinking for reasons other than segregation,that much is understood. But the impracticality of the situation runs a constant deterrent from what should be done.
Emotions are caged,thoughts are held back. Reason is killed,the night resounds with the Justice of the majority.
The minority cry amongst themselves,frail thoughts supporting strong reason,lacking in strength not of resolve,but of support.
We,according to them,"tear at the social fabric".
Social fabric made up by them.

Wherefore true Justice where required?
There is no Justice,only supported Causes.
Once again,we retreat into the delusion of peace.
The storm is starting.
The clouds are gathering overhead.
This is not the end,and it never will be.
Perhaps this time,something useful will result.

The failure...

2010-10-03T10:40:00.000-07:00

The laughter echoes,the footsteps fade.
Nothing less of a miracle,yet nothng less is to be expected.
What do I receive when I responded to that mere seduction?
A lifetime of regret?
A phase of confusion?
A period of struggle?

I don't question the value of the time spent together,nor do I think that it is too much for you to have brought me along the way we went.
But why the departure you ask?
Maybe because all along you were just being ridiculous and childish.
I see no need for me to constantly comply with your demands,left right and center.
Always complaining,always having not enough. And never once did you care enough to ask,"what about you?"
Seme,I have grown tired of waiting for you to turn around and pick me up.
This uke sitting by the side of the road is too tired to stand up and fend for himself in the cold,after you threw me aside like a doll,waiting for some careless wind to tear me asunder.

Forgive me Leriko-chan,I was only ever a puppet.
And as much as I know you will fall,I cannot comply.
Not anymore.

Running ahead

2010-09-20T21:39:00.000-07:00

Brooding moods, stewing emotions.
The pain of loss,the pain of receiving.
Why the plans for departure when that was all you were thinking of to begin with?

The pains and losses.
I look at my past.
The guilt builds up as I remember.
I try to reason things out, but they don't seem to make sense, no matter how I arrange them. The plainitive pain doesn't direct as I look to the front.
Where am I headed?
The clarity of the scene does not avail to my sight,and all I attempt seems to wind up disjoint.
I cannot make sense of this repetitive failure.
What am I waiting for?
The cursed history is over, but te moulding of the future remains flexible.
Am I willing to try?
I don't know,I really don't.
I need someone to guide me.
Who is that someone?
I don't know.
I want to hold that hand and with that hand,run to the future which lies ahead all bright and awake.

Can I?

Meaningless

2010-09-13T00:52:00.000-07:00

Slowly,the fire dies.
The element flows.
The emotions are stowed.
The cool caress of the watery reprieve.
As the moon looks on in amusement.

Sing to the night's eternal grace.
Dance to the soothing moonlight.
The hunter's bow keep watch, as crystal eyes look on at the barren landscape.
Pure,untainted,unblinded and serene.

The Maiden starts her song.
A rhythm picks up.
Nymphiads sing in the background.
The hunt is on.

As the last solstice brings new hope...
the last desire reduces into lost ashes.
Nothing to hope for,nothing to look for.
In the last instance,all was lost.

And yet,I begin the race.
Again.

This game was not my intention.

2010-09-07T10:06:00.000-07:00

The eyes glaze over.
Searching for a place to go back to.
No,a place to go to.
A flash of hope,how long ago has that been?

Blood is dripping from the mouth,paralyzed in a smile which cannot be reversed.
A soundless laughter resonates.
Loudly,ever so loudly.
As the knife reaches up again,no attempt is made to move.

It used to be painful.
Cringe at the contact.
The dilation of the pupils,the sharp intake of breath.
The sheer ecstasy of raw,delicate pain.

I used to fear the loneliness.
And people came along.
Bit by bit,they hauled me out of the shell I was used to.
And then the game began.

One by one,the cuts were made.
Struggling ensued,not one was successful.
Bruises,cuts,slashes,burns,pain.
The injuries began to cover the one who could do nothing to escape all the torture.
In a sense,he didn't want to get away,did he?

After every cycle,the tears would fall.
Sparkling in the light which is never there.
Capturing attention which doesn't exist.
He askes no more.
And I answer no more.
For in the silence which speaks the loudest,the simplest words are the hardest to understand.
I (don't) love you.

Was this what I wanted?

2010-07-29T09:45:00.000-07:00

What is life?
And what is pain?
Is it because of pain that we exist?
I don’t know. I want to trust in him, but all that I feel is a far distance stretching on and on.
Is he even interested in me?
He says he is. Is he truly?
Being nice to me, is that all I want? The scars... The pain that I keep stuck in my throat... I feel the tears welling up at the borders of my eyes. I want his embrace, his concern, his complaints even. I feel the justifications I make for him falling. I don’t know anymore. Am I just plain lying to myself because I fear the loneliness so much? All that I am looking for... It proves too much for him I guess.
I can hear the irritation seeping into his mind. I fear the consequences. At times, I prove too possessive, too paranoid. And it doesn’t help that he just stands so far, separated by that curtain that he put in place. Just how far do you intend to put me? I watch on as Soubi put that distance between himself and Ritsuka. Then he falters, or Ritsuka just cuts it down.
But you won’t let me in, no matter what I say, try to do or approach.
Why is it always me crying alone, no matter who it is that I try to be with? Even Raymond has come back to say that it was a huge coincidence the other day when he dropped by my school, and me the place where we broke up.
Please, let the pain bind us together. I don’t want to be a faint shadow that belongs nowhere, to no-one and no-one belonging to me. The tears that fall at night, would he ever know? I doubt he cares the least, so to speak.
He is busy, that I do not deny. But what of it? Is a call too hard to pick up? And when he does, it ends just as quickly. I want to stop thinking about what he might be doing, what he might be thinking, what he might like, if he finds me bothersome, if I am bothering his work and so on. But all those worries are for nothing as I realise that all I ever was might just be a non-existing character in his dictionary where all I stand for is a simple fool willing to believe in his lies and wait as a spare tire, just looking at him smoke.
Yet...
I cannot forget the first touch, the first holding of hands, the first embrace, the first song and the first conversation. I want so much to forget, to just continue my life as myself, but the loneliness... I don’t know what to do anymore. I don’t want to be pushed away as I was many times before... Let me in, I beg you, please.
You say that I shouldn’t wait for you, but it should be the other way round. Fitting of a seme, striking the uke right where it hurts. I’m crying even as I write this now. I want to start whacking myself to pieces over you, yet there you are, doing your own thing, being perfectly unaware of the struggle I am going through.
We were supposed to go watch “SALT” together. But now you say that your boss has asked you to go with him. Your boss...or your other? The first time I saw you at Iluma, your reaction was so indifferent, and you didn’t even care if I was hurt or anything. To you, it was merely your client’s son.
What is it to me?
I don’t know anymore.
I don’t want to know anymore.
Just go on with your life and games.
I cannot keep faltering in trust, something I sorely lack.
I cannot stop crying...
I don’t even know why I am so attached to you.
I should not be, because I barely knew you when we first held hands.
To tell the truth, I don’t really know nor understand you now.
I don’t even know or understand myself.
I wish you could have told me that you were plain not interested in me right from the beginning.
Now that I cannot detach myself, don’t say that to me.
Say you love me... for I feel like I might die at the thought of you rejecting me.
Life has become a meaningless field where I rock, sitting there letting the rain beat down upon me.
Even if it is pain, I want to feel something after you have parted the monotonous and bleak skies. Fresh pain, that is something I haven’t felt for so long. So let the requiem flow, like crimson blood slowly singing to the quiet song of dark relief.
Once more, I look up hoping for your recognition.
I’ve become a puppet it seems.

The pacings were not uncalled for...

2010-07-12T10:23:00.000-07:00

Finally the smoke clears.
Melancholy shelves her sorry stories as Pain starts to play with himself.
No way am I stepping down on this.
I want to be there for him.
But time and again I prove to be a hindrance.
What do I hope to accomplish?
I don't know.
But this is the beginning of hope.
As he said that feelings are not entirely impossible.
I know I am putting too much pressure on him.
And hence,self-control, Misaki-chan.
Self-control.
What Seishiro-san has taught.
To kill off the nagging voice in the head, we must always make sure we know what it wants.
And stop it at that.
I know what it wants.
Now that the misconstrual has been cleared, we take things one step at a time>.<
One step at a time.
I like the sound of that.

Cause I need to start thinking about him and his life too.
Not from a possessive angle,but from a friend-and-develop-able angle.
Wish me luck Shinigami.

COSFEST IX!!!

2010-07-04T09:12:00.000-07:00

The two research papers have been finished.
Thank God for friends like Joween,who saves your life repeatedly.

The exam has been screwed.
The papers handed in.

Then Cosfest.
I did Margaret. And it wouldn't be the last time>.<
We will be doing videos soon>.<
So await our videos people!
Lots of photo-taking!
I love cosplaying now>.<
And I will definitely do this again.
Shall look for something to cos-...

And there was another guy.
I shan't name him this time.
But he is really nice.
I shall not describe what he did here.
But hold on people,I might add this into my stories.
He is a story writer too!
I hope things will continue.
And for the first time,I actually don't mind it when he smokes.
In fact,I'll watch him smoke.
I say that he shouldn't smoke,but he just looks so good smoking.
Must be the smoke getting into your eyes,haha.
Wish me luck people!

And for the record,no,Hatsune should not be cos-played by people who can't sing AND don't have the figure necessary. I want to die looking at the epic fail Hatsune Miku-s walking around...

Could it be...

2010-06-17T07:12:00.000-07:00

He has expressed an interest in me.
But the process is going to be stressful.
Why?
Because instead of being in my comfort zone,he is asking me to take on the role which I am seeking,not the role which I always took.
This,is insane.
And yet,against the Shingami's advice, I start down the path which is sure to look on with shadows.
I hope that the price I am going to start paying is going to be worth the while.
Because this time,it is going to be out of my hands to steer whatever way things can spiral.
Max,lets make this work.

The council needs to be formed...

2010-06-06T12:29:00.000-07:00

He said that he might be my boyfriend if I cut my hair.
And then the disappointment falls in.
What am I to him?
I appreciate the truth in his words.
But when Lust leads the path for Truth,I wish to know no more.

I used to like him.
I still do.
But I don't know how much longer I will like him.
I want to trust myself to like him.
But the way he treated me,it makes me wonder how I managed to pull through so long.
He used to tell me about him and his other.
Tearing my heart a slice at a time.
He doesn't want me to cry.
But does he know that the very words that cut the deepest are the ones meant to hurt the least?

I really want to be with him.
I want to know him more.
To let him cherish me.
To let him love me.
To love him.

Love is a selfish thing,
Thats what Raiko said.

Love is blind,blinding and blind-leading.
That is what Raikan said.

Love is hurt,but death-avoiding hurt.
That is what Raikun said.

So,Misaki-chan.
What do you say?

I keep seeking this one thing I profess to be love.
And for once,maybe I am wrong.
Even so,I want to be wrong in the right way.

The heart feels faint,the body tastes giddiness.
The head grows heavy,resistance a dead lull.
When rest beckons,I fear what tomorrow brings.
Colin and Kero,what you used to teach me,I now know no more.
There is no such thing as a happily ever after.
Only a destiny of heartbreak.

So now...teach me,Shinigami.
And let me learn just a little more.

Who's mind is it now?

2010-06-02T23:23:00.000-07:00

Why can't he take the initiative?
Why must it always be me taking the first step towards him?

I'm really confused.
He has exams,do I not?
When I make the effort to message him,he replies with stuff that makes me concerned, makes me care and make me want to just throw my arms around him and tell him...
Its okay,I'm here.

But when his reaction has died away,and I have less and less motivation to message him,should he not pick up the hint that I too have my devils to fight?
A constant struggle through which new enlightenment is attained.
The struggle is bloody,the way led by Hurt.
Hope no more,young paladin.
The Goddess will show you the way when you ask,and only when you humble your tone and ask.
Those who wish not to ask can never turn around and say that they do not receive.

I want to trust him again.
I want to be able to pick up the phone and smile,truthfully.
Not seek solace in tears that never seem to find an end.
No child should have such unending pain,bound to an infinite chasm which takes all,not ends all.
And after all this...

Maybe the answer was really much closer after all.

Who is who now?

2010-05-24T04:58:00.000-07:00

He is getting disturbed by my very presence.
He nearly confronted me today,his tone harsh.
I want to ask him what he was so worried about.
Tears find their way down my cheeks as I try so hard to find out what is so wrong about me.
I have totally tried to be straight-acting.
I have toned my exaggerations down tremendously.
I stopped trying to act cute in front of them.
Trying to be myself.
Trying to see if they will like me.
But,it seems that nothing is ever going to work out for me.
Him.At videography.
Him.At aikido.
Him.At mindsport.

I should invest more effort in my studies.
But when have I ever said that, and have it work?
Who am I lying to anyways?
It has always been one big lie that I kept myself in.
Why is it that I always pull the wool over other's eyes,and yet my own is never clear as well?

Suicidal thoughts cloud my vision constantly, forsing me to try and shut everything else out.
I doubt my own capabilities.
And for once...
I doubt the genius in my head.
The voice of reason seems to be losing to the voice of impulse.
What seems to be a strong battle won has now collapsed into a scene of chaos yet again.
I shall rest my case.
Tedious rest beckons.

Resonance

2010-05-16T09:25:00.000-07:00

Don't call my name.
Don't call his memory.
I don't want to suffer the backlash of a lost romance.
Alex. I saw him the other day outside.
When I saw him,the recognition flashed across in the both of us instantly.
I pretended to not be clear.
But we both know.
I just had to ask how he was doing when he was leaving.
And leave my emotions in a whole turmoil and chaotic state.
Why can't I let him go?
He can live fine without me,he says.
So I should do just as well,if not better.

I need some time for myself.
I need to take off on the wings which I took off on impulse.
Raymond was just another lie I tried to believe in.
But to no avail.

I should turn around.
I should continue with my life.
I'm not affected by these people who know nothing but to take me apart when they have a grip on me.

Raiko.
Raiken.
Raikun.

But I am losing myself.
Amongst the swarming masses,I feel my essence dissipating.
I feel myself weakening.
I want to be strong and keep myself in control.
Can I hold down the rising self?

I don't know,I seriously don't know.
I want so much to be innocently in love.
But it just doesn't seem to happen.

What do I want?
What do they want?
I don't know anymore.
I just want them to leave me alone...
So that wounds can heal.
Wounds that were never open to begin with.
How do they heal?
Ask the Deathgods,they know.
They always do.

As for now,I close my eyes...
And pray.

Breaking Free

2010-05-11T06:00:00.001-07:00

The parting of something never put together.
Funny isn't it,the way we lie to ourselves?
Was I too afraid of the solitude?
Maybe I was just swayed too easily.
Differences can be accepted.
But when it is no longer the differences that remain the crux of the problem,what else are we supposed to do?
I am not one to lie to myself.
I do not hold on for the sake of loneliness.
He wants me so much.
But,when he doesn't underdstand what I want,there is nothing left to say.
Just go,and then we walk our own paths.
I never wanted to do anything.
The uke should never have been so mature,for the seme is nothing like him at all.
He?
He can never fit the seme title.
I wanted to push myself and see if I could accept him for who he is.
But I realised that I don't want to live a lie like the countless others I have seen.

For once,I actually feel free instead of feeling held down.
What say you,liar?

Maturing...

2010-04-16T06:34:00.001-07:00

Seimei.
What are you thinking,leaving one behind like that?
The performance is over,the dance was almost perfect.
And yet, after all that,I sit here wondering if the last promise is to myself or to them.
I want to be his friend. I want to be a close friend.
No.
I want to be more than that.
I want to be his boyfriend.
That impossible dream which catches itself on the curtains of deceptive night...
I want to be near him.
He has yet to make me cry,because we share laughter together.
He treats me gently.
But only as a friend.
Never does one take on yet another in such a short time when they still love each other.

Keru-kun.
What should I do?
I always seem to rush ahead of the pack,causing the other party to retreat almost instantly.
Why?
I need to tame myself and to rein the impulses in.
I am not a child anymore,and it is about time I acted my age,isn't it?
I will grow up a little more for Keru-san.
And for now,instead of finding myself in a emotionless,physical bond...
Love might just peek in.
For now...
Sekai-mina-san! Oyasuminasai.

Desertion

2010-04-12T04:44:00.000-07:00

All this time,I used think that I could do what I wanted.
I did wrong after wrong after wrong.
And was never punished in any way, ever.
Then I settled down. I realised that I had to leave those ways behind.
I had to begin a new life.
I needed to be with that special someone.
I made myself open to changes.
I told myself if that special someone came along,I would be good.
I will do what he wants.
But after being lied to countless times,I have begun to have second thoughts about myself.
Is this correct?
Is this what I want?
Is this what I can get?
The merciless antagonising of Life has taken a toll on me.
I had wanted and could achieve so much.
Yet all I wanted was a little something so desperately out of reach.

And nothing has surfaced.
All that is left is the self-same tune,the self-same melody.
The self-same voice,the self-same taunting.
The repeated torture,the repeated killings.
The endless lies,the endless hurt.
The redundant pandering,the redundant smiles.
All in search of that something which I can never seem to get.

All humans are tied to each other by the bond which we struggle so hard to break free of.
And yet,when we cut this delicate yet stubborn string,one realises the price of the loneliness that comes along.
Severance is painful.
Deception is service.
When I recall each and every of their names, the temptation to write their names down in the note of death is so strong,I can almost feel the whispers of the void to do myself justice.

Truth be told,I'm not ready am I?
Raikon,Raiken,Raikun.
Make me one of those that soar in the skies.
Because the life of those who tread the earth is too distant a concept to grasp.

So let me fly.
Or give me back my other half to let me...
Be truly whole again.

I don't want to wait...

2010-03-25T12:39:00.000-07:00

I want his voice, the gentle voice that held me so close when we first met.
Those shy lips that held my wants down...
The hesitant but strong hands that caressed my hair and took me into that warmth...
Eyes that reflected his soulful emotions,ones which gave me the feeling that I was safe.
The loving embrace which he didn't pull away from,even when others were walking past...
The warmth which made me feel safe,just to stay there for a little while longer.

Tony...

He left anyways.
Just left me to stay alone and cold.
He regards me as a friend,and for that, I do what Usami-san does.
To just be a friend.

I want to cry.
I want to let go.
I want to forget how we found each other.
I want to live a life that would hurt like this.

I need him too much to let go.
I always thought that I could just hold myself in.

I'm wrong this time.
I can't.
The way he takes me in,his warmth...
Instead of being like the countless other who wants me,he made me need him.
And yet,he still holds back.
A dark history taints me.

This feelings will fade.
And at the end of it,what is left to bind us together?
Nothing but scattered memories which I try so hard to make together.
I want him to be in love with me,to think of me like I think of him.
I want him to just love me.
But even that seems to be asking too much.
I don't know what is it that stops us from being together.
Maybe it is just me being too much.
I want so much to just lie in his arms like we did the other day.
He makes me feel safe.
He didn't want me,he just held me.
Not using me.

And for once,I actually felt safe.
But not so now.

Because all this is fading away.
And it seems like he doesn't care,just like the other two.
And I feel like I do want to die.

Truth cuts harder than an executioner's blade.
And when I stand there,unprotected,all that he's doing is take me apart slowly,killing me.
How I wish to just be able to let things go.

When can I do that shinigami?
Raiko,Raiken,Raikan.

For now...
Oyasumi-nasai...

Rejection

2010-03-20T14:53:00.000-07:00

Waste not,want not.
The circular games the Fates play is nothing more than not wanting to waste time thinking of new methods.
I tire of the same notions.
Over.
And over.
And over again.

Whilst all the rest get into their merriment,I sit there staring.
All in wait for the rejection he has yet to pass.
Cruel isn't it?
The way I give up the rest which I could easily take.
For this one person who rejects me.
Like a mis-aimed arrow which hits the self.
I want to plead for him to take me.
After all,it was really more of a one off thing more than anything else.
But no,Pride was not in favour of such a decision. I muse for a moment,then lets go.
When all that is left is Pain and the Deathgods,I ask for peace.

Nothing too much isn't it?
Not that they care anyway.

Pain,growing up in Pain.

2010-03-17T07:32:00.000-07:00

I want to just settle down.
I want him to be with me.
I don't know what I have been doing.
I just keep thinking that I've been doing something. What a lie...
I don't know what it is that I seek.
There is nothing left...
Nothing but Pain.
Pain.
Endless Pain.

Pain is what makes us grow up.
I've grown up quite alot. That much I know.
Many tell me I'm mature for my age.
Behind the childish facade is a fast thinker who wants nothing more than to surprise others with my abilities.
They are wrong.
All wrong.
Yes,I can think fast.
But,behind the childish image,all I want is to just stop having to do everything.
I want to love someone,be loved by that someone and just be with that person.
But it can never work out that way.
Simply because people will never leave me alone.

Pain.
Who are you?
What are you?

After learning how to love...
I learn Pain.

The lustre of blood...

2010-02-24T20:59:00.000-08:00

Holding back...
If I were a vampyre,I know exactly what my tattoos from Nyx will be like.
Bold and intricate lines reflective of a magical link.

What does Nyx think?
Perhaps she wants something else.
And yet,the lust for blood. I just recognized the taste that spread so deliciously across my memory.
The rich,beautiful scent of the velvety,pulsing liquid...Life-blood...
The strong taste that impacts harder than pleasure.
The delicate yet lust-inducing smell that pounds into my very being.
I fear the sight of blood,but...
As I recall the pleasure upon tasting that fresh blood...
Moans escape the both of us as we struggle, a Blood bond forming.
I shudder at the high both of us feel...
An insane lust covers us, drenching us in the need to release, in that strong embrace...

Who's fault then?

Alone once more...

2010-02-08T04:13:00.000-08:00

He called me awhile ago.
Of course,nobody knows who I am talking about.
Not even my friends.
Tomodachi...
The ones I keep closer than the nameless,faceless void I see each and everytime I walk around on this earth.
I try for so long to fit in,that in the end,the only way to fit in is to be different.
A name is given for each and every abnormal being that can be labelled.
Mankind is too unkind.
Humanity gives no humility.
I cannot even begin to count the times I have been whipped,harsh and strong.
The blows are neverending.
No more sound issues from the seemingly dead body that hangs as limp as a ragdoll.
There is no need to try and silence anyone anymore.
I will not scream anymore.
I have no need to.
Nobody answers anyway.
Tomodachi.
Who?

Draw your swords people,the ones who win draws more pain out of this lifeless shell.
She has to move on with her life.
I cannot hold her away from what I do not have the privilege to possess.
The daunting waves of pressure push me too far.
Let me go,please.
I only ask for release.
I don't want to hurt anymore.
I cannot be hurt anymore than this.
I have nothing else to wish for in this facade of a life.

People look at me with eyes that question my existence.
What am I?
What is he?
What is this?
Don't touch him.
Don't go near it.
Stay away,filth.

They have shoved me away for so long.
All I wanted was to be wanted by someone,is that really too much to ask?
I want to be taken into another's arms,to be taken and held on to.
To be appreciated.
Not used.
Not used and kicked aside.
Not used in this manner.
I cannot take this much longer,I know.
I have asked for so little,and none was granted.
I never asked for all that,and it just keeps coming.
This non-existant shield...
This all-piercing dagger..
The abominable poison that taints,pollute and destroy.

Kill me now,and let me be.
God or no God,I do not deserve the sympathy of anything that comes along.
I've told many that I have given up.
How much is true?
How much is true in life?
Lies and deception,the poison of words and the deceit we walk in.
Struggles and pain...
Some are free of thought,they drift in dreamlands and memoryscape.
Some do not suffer the loneliness I connect with.

The yearning,the pain,the countless times I suffer alone...

Alone...

As always...alone.

The trigger...

2010-01-28T21:35:00.000-08:00

The episodal Pain loves to sweep her flowing dress of long sharp knives against me, all exposed and vulnerable.
Just pull the trigger, I begged.
Just kill me now, take me out of all this...
I don't know what I want to see anymore.
Pure torture, killing me slowly with his words.
How I wish that John wouldn't do that to me...
And YiLiang.

Why is it that I keep going back to hurt myself?
Why is it that I have to face up to this kind of shit that nobody gets rolled in?

I'm tired.
Of work.
Of teaching.
Of schooling.
Of commitment.
Of promises that hurt.
...
I'm tired of living.
I'm tired of facing up to expectations.
I'm dead tired of living for everybody elses' wants.

Where am I?
What are MY wants?
No-one listens.
They just keep asking and asking for more and more until I am left high and dry.
They ask for demands that I can barely keep up with.
They just don't let me live life.
I am not me anymore am I?

I am not just physically colour-blind, but I am blind to the colours of life too.
The colours of the tapestry of life...

I'm hanging, dripping lifeblood from my veins...
No-one hears my non-existent cries for help.
I just hang there...
Waiting...
Waiting for you to pull the trigger.

Keeping him alive may only kill him.

2010-01-25T23:55:00.000-08:00

Jeron just left me today.
I don't want his hurt.
I have been taken for a joyride for the past year or so.
Alex had me on too.

For Jeron, he had always been distant. I knew that we weren't together, but I never complained. I changed myself so much for him.
I had trusted him that much, waited for him to look at me and take me.
And now he tells me that he never thought of seeing me that way,and most likely never will.
I don't want to believe in lies anymore, all this deception and pain that comes again and again.
Why am i always subject to this kind of rejection and hurt?
Why is he always taking me on this kind of jokes that I cannot take?
Why does the world always trip me over so harshly and so painfully?
I have never does anything that demanded him to change,never asked for much.
And still,he cannot accept me.
'Lack of romantic feelings'
That was his reason.
The one who had told me that he likes me more and more is the same person telling me that he has no romantic feelings for me.

And Alex.
Pretending to be an understanding person,before trying to stick me in.

All lies and pretense.
All deception.
I don't know why I have to take all this over and over...
Why?
Can somebody tell me why I cannot be like in the stories,getting things to happen as I want them to?
Why fuck me round and round,joyride after joyride?
Am I so fun to torment and hurt?
Just because I try so hard to be with you,you hurt me?
Just because I stand near you with plainitively innocent looks, you cut me again and again and again?
Just because I like you, you use that to kill me, stabbing me all over again?

I am no god,I am only human.
I can only take that much before I die.
There is only that much I can endure.
There is only that much I can stand up to.

Beyond that, I just die.
Silently, slowly.
Killing me on the inside.
The nightmare is starting up again.
And this time, I have no one to take me out of this nightmare.
All those dark thoughts of suicide...constantly whispering to me.
All those unthinkable thoughts.
Slowly taking me in.

Just do what you want with me,to me,at me.
Just play me out,fuck me round,toss me aside.
I cannot stand again.
To everybody,I look like the brightest kid with a brain that calls for high expectations.
To them, they keep saying that I can do everything.

In reality, how much can I do?
Nothing.
I am just a stupid person with a smarter-than-average brain, a more-innocent-than-most capability and a willingness to be cheated, torn apart, put together, repeat kind of person.
Glass can be glued together after being broken.
Metal,melded, rejoined.
Hearts,mended.

That's one way of looking at it.

Glue powderised glass together,try.
Meld scrap metal together,would you?
Mend my heart?
Not even thinkable.

I am not even going to think about jumping off the building anymore.
That is too fast.
I need to feel pain.
I need to feel fresh pain,the kind that bleeds one dry.
Slowly,silently.

Aaron,this may be the last time I say this:
Sukides.

From now on,Sylvester is dead. Skyne has taken his place.
Until that someone comes along to pick up that ravaged body and make it new again, he is no more.
Killing myself is the only way I can stay alive.

The hope will never come till I end. Soon.

2009-12-22T20:53:00.000-08:00

What are friends for?

Some are good,some are bad. Some needed,others unwanted.

I had hoped,wants to hoped,and maybe,will hope.

But...after I do hope,devastation always sets in...why?

I had never had things I asked for fulfilled,and still,some foolish part of me still try to hope,only to be disappointed.

But, I always stand up again. I try to be strong, and a part of you encourages me. You may not know it Nick, but when I talk to you, I always feel alot better. Maybe I have started to like you. Or maybe, just like all the other boys that I hang out with, maybe, just a little, I have fallen in love with you.

But I can't. Because everytime I do, I destroy a friendship. I am self-destructive, and we all are on the inside. I cannot deny this part of me, but I want to break free. This angst, this hurt, this vicious cycle that I always say that I want to break free of, but wind up running straight back in to the addictive hurt that blends all my misery into a colourless scape of distrust.
Am I really that stupid?
After all that intellect put into one human being, I still fail to live up to what is expected of me.
I fail to live up to what they want of me.
I fail to stand up to their expectations.
I cannot do what they like me to.
Why is it always them instead of me?
How much of my life has truly been dedicated to myself?
When have they returned that thought invested into their account?

And I will step out,slowly.
Pull myself out of all this.
Then get lowered into all this shit again.
I can just see the whole picture again.

Like a captured prey being bled alive, lowered into the boiling hell...
Until all became dark.
Resisting...resisting...resisting...
Praying...praying...praying...
rejected...rejected...rejected...
Despair...despair...despair...
Hurt...hurt...hurt...

And yet, the only emotion keeping me alive is the hurt which hangs me from the high-tier, preventing me from reaching human mortality, the void which humans all walk upon. I have to hang on that immortal cord, suffer until the cord breaks.
And only then can I smile, truly and surely.
Only when my time is up.

There was another name...

2009-12-11T22:35:00.000-08:00

Its all over again,all starting up again.

I am just waiting for someone to come and pick me up.

Like one year ago,when I stood next to the road,waiting for him to come along on his bike.

He always came,and would always be late.

But one cold night,as I stood there waiting,he sent me a message to say that he won't be coming anymore.

There was no reason,no explanation,nothing. I remember walking home all alone,wondering how I would get home,when I would get home and still,how to re-arrange my face into a discernible emotion people would accept.

But...like Sai...I found none.

I didn't know what to change my face expression into.
All that I could think of was...
Pain.
Slowly dissolving into a void.
Void.

Does anybody know what it is like to hurt like I did?
There is one other...but no,his name cannot be mentioned here.
Till we meet again.

Life is pitiful.

2009-12-07T08:47:00.000-08:00

Disappointment is getting harder and harder to deal with.
Even though I know that at times,I have to learn to stand on my own and not whine my ass out on people,I still can't do it.
Deep down inside,I'm still dying from the hurt that nags at my conscience and whsipers into my ears at night.
Aaron,I'm over.
Tomo,I'm over.
Ice,I'm over.
Kelvin,I'm over.
Jeron,I'm over.
Joshua,I'm over.
Joseph,I'm over.
Cleon,I'm over.
Ben,I'm over.
Sebears,I'm over

I'm over all of them,every single one of them.
Or at least,that is what I tell them and myself.

When a tree has been cut down,no matter how completely one destroys the roots,one still cannot deny that the roots had once existed and was crucial to the presence of the tree.
When the day is over and the land is covered with darkness,one can never say that the day's light was not useful because it is gone now.
When one has harvested salt from the sea,we cannot say that the sea is no longer useful nor tied to the salt in our hands.

Because all in all,what we receive,what we can cut off,is only that much.
Just as emotions begets hurt,love calls for regret.
Just as I cut away at what I felt for them,I still feel over the still existing memories of all that I had felt for them.

Peace,is that really too much to ask for?
I don't know.
The turbulence in the roaring rain reflects my current state of loss.
Am I just to drift through this passage called Life without any joy to speak of?

Death is certain,but on my way to this final step across the border,I don't want to be a mere paper-chaser.
I want to know what it is like,as Gaara said,to truly be alive.

A little talking wouldn't hurt...

2009-12-01T21:38:00.000-08:00

I just had a talk with Ms Div regarding my dismal performance for my subjects in general. I now know that I have to start making an effort to stand tall and take things wisely. Whining about Mitsurugi-san is not going to change the fact that my GPA sucks.

Drafted up a schedule.
Planned revision schedules.
Now know where my goal is.
Making the effort to start and sustain.
Allocating proper time and intellect for my life.
Stepping out of this self-wallowing pitstop.

I'm over you Mitsurugi-san.
I'm over Aaron-kun.

I now focus on what is important to me.
My life is not the shreds it once was.

A tinge of regret nags at me every now and then, but heck, its no big deal.
I don't allocate spaces for childish nuances anymore.
No jokes too, too childish for me.
Gets in my way too.
Stick to the schedule,get things done.

I'm well on my way.

Escap-ade

2009-11-17T09:31:00.000-08:00

Escapade...What does that word mean for you?

For the SP Japanese Daiko Drummers, it meant a night of intense fun and activity!

We, the freshies, performed for the new-comers. They may not be confirmed, but our commitment to having a good performance sure was.

We drummed left,right and centre, when they came in their groups.
Boy, the thrill of performing was, as usual, exhilarating!!!
Anyways, we had our little presentations at the booths in our compartments.
After that, it was all BOOMZ BOOMZ BOOMZ!!!

We had to shift the drums to Vivocity for the Escapade sunrise moment. Well,mind you, when we reached, sunrise was definitely not near. We reached at 2am. Yes, 2am. Shifting drums at that insane hour. But fun. The trip there was fun already as we sat there listening to songs and people talking about insane stuff. Epic Lolz.
Anyways, we had a bit of fun,if you would call it, loading the drums upstairs. My gastric was acting up,so not funny. Still,YI-SHI-KI!!!

While the seniors prepared for their performance, us minions laid around the area. We even went to get breakfast. The epicness was just great. We watched them perform "Drums of Asia",not a song on the list. It was an amalgamate performance with some percussionists from outside,so yea...SHINGZ...
Anyways,the performance was still BOOMZ!!

After the performance, the lantern ritual was carried out, with the sun slowly climbing up its daily routine. We even had their extra large breakfast package. That, after the extra large dinner package. Packing on the kilos.

After shifting the drums back to SP, I was in no appropriate shape to move much more. I collapsed. Nice way to end Escapade huh?

Taiko Dojo...DON KAT!!!

2009-10-24T23:40:00.000-07:00

TAIKO DOJO AND OUR FIRST ANNIVERSARY!!!
was a fantastic day.
We went to Sentosa and had our little picnic,playing around and eating what we brought.
My,the food was a little too much,if you get what I mean.
We had pasta,bee hoon,fried wings,sandwiches,crackers...Loads basically.
After loading on some food,I must admit,the water was cool.
And woah,the guys were pretty quick to jump out of their clothes and into the water!
We jumped ourselves into the beach to get like,a major splash time.
Totally unreal!
Then we had ball,which we took turns to play,followed by the traditional...
SAND BURIAL!*no offense Gaara,not your kind*
Makio was the bury man*means he got buried*
And some weird decorations took place,funnily enough.
Then,I helped Taku write the HAPPY 1ST TAIKO DOJO in the sand,which we then took pics.
After the whole Sentosa thing,I was feeling quite weak in the head*no points for those who know why*
Then,we made our way to the bus-stop to head for Iluma for dinner.
I must apologise to the two guys,Mitsurugi-kun and Hinagiku-san for all the trouble I caused due to my body condition...*bows* Gomenasai.
And so we headed up to Bounce*after the whole security being anal...*
And got ourselves a screwed up time at Bounce.
We waited,from 7.30 to 9,to finally get to eat.
And we had arrived earlier.
It was order taking at 7.30,not arrival.
And their food were horrendous.
I make an exception,mine and Mitsurugi-kun's was ok*not great,get the pic?
But poor Suki-san's was really out.*I don't want to say horrid,cause Suki-san had to polish off the dish.I did swap two pieces with him,cause I think he didn't really like it. The manager said it was an acquired taste,rubbish.*
After that,we headed to Arcadia to play...TAIKO!!!
I must admit,I love group hanging-outs. We played ourselves silly*fair bit of waiting round,but yea.*
Mitsu-kun and Kyon-san were dancing in the background.
Sometimes,Mitsu-kun has something about him which...I don't want to say too much,but most people should understand what I mean.
*refers to written diary...*
Anyways,the whole event was a blast,especially the cake cutting and everything.
Man,I love Taikodojo and everyone inside.I hope no one will forget the event,cause I know I wouldn't.
maybe the Bounce issue was a little off the happy side.But on the whole,for the group,I think we were happy.
I want to keep that day in my heart forever.

Man,gotta learn how to stop getting so emotional and cry the crap out of myself every time I write bout such stuff... ...

Hide no more...

2009-10-16T09:52:00.000-07:00

I need time off on my own.
I have too much that they pose on me.
I have too much that I pose on myself too.
I need to pull back and let the entire farce unfold before me.
After the lie has been told,the least they could do is to turn back,just one of them,to look at me.
And be with me.

I know that what has been said cannot be taken back.
I know that the lie cannot be reversed.
But the tears that have yet to fall,I can hold them back.

Or at least I thought so.

Now,I just keep crying.
And crying.
Tears that will never stop,tears that will never end,tears that have been falling from both my eyes and heart,tears that have been messing up my life,tears that I keep shedding for why I don't know,tears that I shed for who I don't know,tears... ,tears... ...
I know that I have to appreciate life,now.
But just as I know that I have to truly appreciate the bitterness of tea before enjoying the subtle sweetness that comes after,the bitter taste still leaves me in distaste of that strong bitterness.
But I still go back looking for that bitterness again.

Aren't we all stubborn,us humans?
I know I am.
I can't bring myself to look myself in the mirror and be truthful to even myself,much less others.
What do I know about myself?
What do they know about me?
What can I tell myself,and those around me?
What passions,left unbridled,has caused this anguish and wanton misery that I cannot seem to leave behind?
What is it that they are telling me that I have never ever ever listened to that I should look at?
My misery is not just made myself now,Dominic.
It is from others too.
So tell me what to do now.

I really am starting to have suicidal thoughts now.
Those voices that talk to me in my head really seem to become more and more real to me now.
What are they telling me to,does anybody know?
I keep trying to listen to myself,but they keep resurfacing,blocking me from myself until I no longer know who I am anymore,what thoughts are really mine and what I really want to do anymore!
Its both a battle within myself as well as with those around me.
I need this solitude that I can talk to someone who really cares for me.
Even when there are periods of silence,the shoulder of another is always missing.
The shoulder of one that truly cares for me and actually sees me for who I am,who I take myself to be and respect me.

The other day,I felt uncomfortable and went to the toilet.
And vomited blood.
What am I down with,I don't know,I don't care anymore.
My cousin asked me what about my mother.
I really don't give a crap about that woman that I call mother anymore.
She can take care of herself fine.
Its what I am to do with myself from now.
I want to run away from all this,this pathetic excuse of a life,this waste of a human being's body and this mind,which is capable of doing so much,and yet even more capable of ruining so much more.

I just need an escape to let me face myself truly in the mirror and for once...
Let me know what it is like to truly be alive...

Tearing.

2009-10-07T14:34:00.000-07:00

The murderer is the one whom I have fallen for.
His hands are the very weapons with which he carves out my Mistakes.
Right down till the fatal cut,when he tears me apart.
So slowly.
Surely.
Gradually,he pulls me down.
Wears away my defenses.
Forces me to my knees.
How much more am I to endure?
I am only human afterall.
There is but that much life in me that you can bleed away.
Take too much,and I will be nothing more than the empty shell of a human being whose existence has been toyed with by your fickle decisions.
Whet.
Cut.
Slice.
Tear.
Carve.
Decimate.
Mutilate.

And smile.

Safe.

2009-10-07T01:59:00.000-07:00

I've broken new ground.
Control.
Yes,I'm almost there now.
I have always wanted to know what extreme I could take myself to,what was unexplored.
Now,I've found a new place to step to.

Its called a state of no emotion.
Its where the subject in question no longer feels anything.
Just like what I do now,so that I don't feel the pain that usually occur when people I like leave me.
Knowing the state is not enough.
Be brave enough to step across,thats the real goal of exploring the divide that many do not recognise as the definition of humanity.
I must become as unfeeling as I have to in order to not feel their hurt and their pain.
I'm starting.
And the only thing I pray for now is that Tomo does not appear in front of me again before I can truly face him and say,"I'm over you."
Just let me be indifferent.

Tomo-san,I don't want your departure...

2009-10-01T13:16:00.000-07:00

I don't want to give up on you yet,Tomo-san,I'm just not ready.
But as much as I want you to Be with me,I know that the reality of us having a relationship is no more than the impossible love between the snowman and the bonfire. Nor can it ever work out even if I was willing to be the sparrow for you,the white rose.

The snowman met the bonfire one early winter,whilst the bonfire was but a flicker away from being mere cinders on the frosty morning.
After talking for a while,the snowman and the bon-fire was so in love which each other,they agreed to meet the next year at the exact same spot.
Year after year,the bonfire waited till it could no longer sustain its heat against the winter's frosty chill.
Year after year,the snowman would arrive all out of breath to find out that it was too late for him to see the bonfire's cheery face once more.
The years melted on and soon,it was one century before the rare morning arrived that the bonfire saw the snowman again.
This time,a smaller snowman greeted the bonfire.
The snowman had started a family.
From then on,the bonfire was never bright and cheery again.

A sparrow was deeply in love with the white rose,and after days of pondering over his love for her,he finally worked up the courage to confess his feelings to the white rose.
She turned her cold petals to him and said...
A red rose is the symbol for true love,so she will only love him when she becomes red in colour.
On hearing that,the sparrow hesitated not a moment,and began to tear at his small body a piece at a time,dripping its own blood on the rose.
Slowly,the rose turned red,petal by petal.
When the rose had finally turned completely red,the sparrow was nearly dead.
With its last breath,it whispered "I love you" to the red rose.
The rose finally knew how to love,but there was no one left to love.

And tears begin to fall again...
Tomo-san,I really can't bear the thought of losing you.
What do I have to do,please,don't let me lose him.
I can't go on crying for the rest of my life...

Your departure.

2009-10-01T11:53:00.000-07:00

I feel hazed...
The race has left me tired...
So tired that I can barely look at the sky and whisper my wishes.

I don't know what he wants with me,so repeatedly pulling me near him,yet pushing me a distance away.
I confess,the feelings are mutual,but,what of commitment and perserverence?

And a loud confession to the world.
I mean,its not like I will see him again,nor would he ever know what I feel for him,so no point in me hiding it.
Tomo-san,I liked you.
You were the one whom I referred to as Yomi in the previous posts.
You and your stand-offish care and attitude to me.
Now,as I return for practice,I have to accept it as a fact that you will no longer be a standard part of training.
No more will I see you there correcting our mistakes,nor your jokes,which I laughed at no matter how lame they were.
I will miss you,even though I never had a chance to say a formal,proper goodbye with confessions at hand.
I will miss your good-natured charm and your boyish behaviour.
Even though at times you were a bit of a pullaway,i still liked you for who you were.

Even now,as I think of the fact that I will not see you again on close terms,I cry.
I keep crying and crying and crying.
I told myself I would not cry when I first asked myself,but the feelings are so in place,I still cry myself to sleep almost everyday thinking about how much you disdain me and everything.
I want to die when you hurt me in that subtle way of yours that reflect nothing but misunderstanding and non-acceptance into your circle of emotions.

Please Tomo-san,don't hate me,that's all I ask of you.

Fly.

2009-09-18T22:34:00.000-07:00

I just finished an essay on the natural decline of the human species as a whole.
Looking back on humankind and my 18 years of life,I realised the waste and duplicity man likes to walk in.
I rediscovered what it meant,to truly be walking amongst the living dead.
I have let Sensei down.

Back to life.
We had drama workshop today.
Applied Drama.
I was very surprised.
What seemed to me as very commonplace ideas were actually very important in Applied Drama.
Why?
I mean,anyone could have thought of those ideas,and with the smallest effort required,made it much more useful to society.
I don't think it was something special.

After the workshop was Fari's party.
Needless to say,cake facials galore!

After the party,I got home.
My whole body felt as if pressed down by a huge suffocating weight.
Yet...
I wanted to do nothing more than dance.
To dance and dance and never stop.

Dance out the Sadness.
Balance out the Rights and Wrongs.
Tip-toe across the Tragedies.
Piroutte over the Deception.

I must sleep now...
Hush my dear.
Hush.

My lies.

2009-09-15T00:15:00.000-07:00

I look at the red cotton yukata laid out on the silk bed,with a dark blue obi to match.
And the white transluscent yukata,with a red woven obi to match.
Who was I lying to?
Me,or my reflection in the mirror?

Ask the one standing there by the lake.
He knows what I'm talking about.

Answer me.Is this what you meant,Domi?

2009-09-07T12:17:00.000-07:00

I don't know if I should feel happy when I celebrated Kor's birthday two days ago.
Happiness for her at growing older,wiser,more matured,more able to step up in life.
Or sad?
Sad,for being older,one step closer to the end,one step further from the joys of youth?

I don't know.

And then there was Lex. He thought at first to stay away.
But he joined us for a while in the end.

The photos we took that day will be a part of my memories that I will cherish and hold exceptionally close.
Friendship,the one thing that I shall always hold dear.

I am more confused then ever about Tifa,Key and Yomi.
Tifa has seemingly ignored me for a while,the reason is still not clear.
He always seems so busy,so laden with stuff, that I always feel separated by this layer of his "to-dos"...
Am I just so un-important to him?
Why is it that he makes me feel wanted,and at the same time,untouched?

Key seems to be left out largely due to lack of contact,or even lack of conversation.
That day when he replied my message late at night even though he was at work,as well as when he was on the way home,I was so happy.
I know that I like him,but for friendship to translate to affection,that stage just doesn't seem ready yet.

Yomi is the last of the three,maybe because he avoids me,or maybe the other way round.
Yomi gives me the feeling that I want to look at him,but at the same time,I can't bear to look at him.
He makes me feel for him,only to walk around afterwards all confused and unsure.
I want to tell him just how exactly I feel,but just when I was at the point of confession,he throws me miles off-balance with his withdrawal.
He just stands me up with his approach.

Of all the three,I know that Key is really nice to me,Tifa is cool to hang out with,and Yomi is plain in sight due to regular contact.
Yomi may be gone sooner than I think because of his graduation due soon.
Tifa may just disappear back to his own life.
Key may just go back to the state of being plain friends with me.

I want to stop this senseless state of being driven to utter loss,of crying almost every night trying to tell myself that

Where?

2009-09-05T14:11:00.000-07:00

I like three people currently.
Tifa.
Key.
Yomi.
Of course,these aren't their real name,heaven forbids.
Its a name derived from their real name.

Tifa.
Yaoi too.
Fun to hang out with.
Naturally humorous and easy to talk to.

Key.
I like the way he treats me as a friend and pampers me occasionally.
But too far and few in between.
Or it could just be me.

Yomi.
Hard to reach or talk to.
But something just draws me to him.
Its both respect and affection I feel.

These three are real-life people,not just fragments of my imagination that type in as a whim.
I need them to let me in,but I don't know how to ask.

Hime-dan.
Some one says that people treat me nicely because of this title that is linked to my behavior.
I don't know anymore.

Ordinance.

2009-08-30T01:10:00.000-07:00

Prince.
Save me.

I don't want to hear the worthless lies anymore...
I don't want to heat those meaningless words any longer...

The gentle deception.
The harsh honesty.

Look at how the rest of them just laugh at me.
Watch their mirthful eyes.

Listen to the mocking remarks.
Hear the sarcastic comments.

Feel their hateful gaze.
Withstand the pressure they pile.

Smell their bloodlust.
Inhale the intoxicating pain.

Taste the venom in the air.
Lick up the false sympathy.

I want to break free of the chains.
I don't want to be held on the side of the mountain repeatedly stabbed by the fiery-hot stake that they thrust into me time and again.
And again.
Again.
All over again.
My tears have already crystallised into solid hurt that draws blood from me over.
And over.
And over.
Again.

Tira,release me.
Take me into your arms,safeguard me from the pain that the world never understands.
Don't let them hurt me.
Don't let them take me away.
Don't let them torture me,please,no more.

I'm not the animal I once was.
I'm not the angel you once knew.
I'm only human.
Human by this much,not human by that much too.
The voices that I hear.
The voices.
Over there,over here.
All the directions.

Enough,silence.
I need my own word too.
Just that little space to step on.
With you Tira.
Let me fly.
Let me soar.
Bait me no more.
I'll die.

Notes.

2009-08-29T14:51:00.000-07:00

The swirling notes of Rachmaninoff Piano Concerto No.2 in C minor,Opus 18.
The mad rush of The Flight of The Bumblebee.
The delicate touch of Fur Elise.
The dancing humor of Rhapsody in Blue.

All this music thats soothes.
It seems to help me find this space in time where I am free of all that is expected of me.

Running with the music,playing with the notes that I only can listen to,not knowing how to play in reality.
Every tip-toe,every point,every poise.
Listening to the notes which never listens n return.
I dance a sweeping stage.

Bow to a silent applause that only I hear.
Thank the audience that was never there.
Love a partner that is not truly in place nor existence.
Listen.

The crystal bells tolls in pitying grace whilst the wolfhound demands recompense.
The last song of the day.
Pathetique.

Delinquence.

2009-08-26T12:46:00.000-07:00

I want an end to this monotony,this grief and this constant hurt.
Take me away to where I can be free and keep me safe.
I see so much blood.
I see so much,so much,so much blood.
I feel the knife cutting,cutting,cutting away at my defenses.
I stretch out my arm pulling,pulling,pulling him closer,closer,closer.
But he just drifts furthur,furthur,furthur than ever before,no intention of turning back.

I cry after the trail he leaves.
The dance that I performed at the competition,it was only with him in mind.
And no one really knows the emptiness when he turned away.
Let go of my hand.
The cold remark of "Don't look for me anymore.".

Many said that the dance was emotional.
It wasn't.
It was empty.
It was pure emptiness,because I can hardly feel anymore.
I was sightless when he came to my mind.
It was just sheer darkness I stared at.
I didn't know where the audience was.
I could have been dancing facing the wall for all I knew.

Does anyone understand?
Does anyone know what it feels like to have to stare out at the space,needing that understanding?
Does anyone truly feel that crashing down,that collapsing sense of defeat,that erasing of support,that blindness against the affection and that nothingness of reject?

No-one.

I have tried time and time again to win his affection and trust.
But no,he does not feel.
He does not trust.
He just hurts.

I want to step back.
But there is nowhere to turn to.
No refuge.
No shelter.
No sanctuary.

Just open range for him to stab,shoot,cut,fire,hurt.
Over.
And over.
And all over again.

Lightning is flashing.
Thunder roaring high against my ears.
Raindrops meet their far-too-early demise against the cold hard concrete ground that they slam against with unrelenting force.
A futility.

The mocking bird doesn't laugh anymore.
Even the loom of the Fates have stopped for awhile.
Derisive laughter spans the expanse in my head as I struggle to stand.
He reaches in to use me again.
Like a ragdoll I'm repeatedly used and flung aside.
Again,and again,and again.

I'm left in shreds.
And then there was no more.

The answers?

2009-08-19T21:56:00.000-07:00

I don't want to be left behind anymore.
Skyne,take those hurt away.
I don't know.
Lost.

Then there is yet another name.
Ben.
Why do I get infatuated so easily?
Is it because he treats me like a little child that needs to be pampered?
Maybe because he knows my weakness,and only uses them to understand me better, not to hurt me like the others.
Or even because he just looks at me and understands,in a way that no-one else does.
I don't know.

There is also another one I cannot name.
I don't know how to take all this anymore.
Randall tells me he is attached.
Why is it that everytime I like someone,he's taken away from me?

The second name. Randall.

2009-08-16T21:39:00.000-07:00

I need shelter.
I need him to take me into his arms, to love me like I want and need him to.
I want his care and concern.
Like at the school library, where he for the first time let me rest on his shoulder.
Then at Moberly, he let me rest on his shoulder, then took me into a embrace that made me feel loved for the first time. I want him to be with me, but I know it is never possible.

Then he tells me that he doesn't know how to feel.
Then I get myself all fucked up trying to be a person who understands.
Then I get mad at him for his not knowing what to do, not feeling anything.

And I am human too.
I have other commitments which I'm tied to.
I have competitions to go for, exams to study for, assignments to complete and feelings that need to be made known.

I've been waiting...
I've been waiting so long that when I look into the mirror I don't know who I'm looking at anymore...
I've been waiting so long that when I look in the pool of blood that I vomited the other day, I see the forlorn look that shadowed my face during the last days when I was still abused...
And still, I'm waiting.

I don't want to be left hanging at the side of the cliff not knowing what I want to feel, what I should feel and what I can feel.
I just want to be taken for who I am, and be free the way I am.

Is it that hard?
Answer me Shinigami, answer me!

The first real name. Tomo.

2009-08-06T08:19:00.000-07:00

Tears...
So much tears...
I'm so,so tired.
I want this to all just stop.
I need an answer.
I want him to care,but she tells me its not worth it.
The wait.
I know he doesn't like nor dislike me.
But...
Its taking so long,I'm losing control.
I cannot wait that long can I?

I want him to care like he did when it was at camp.
I want him to say what he once told me in camp,only that I want him to mean it.
I want him to really be with me and to just for once,maybe just a day,look at me and like me.

I have always looked at him,and every time our eyes meet,he looks away.
I must admit,I feel hurt by those little actions of his...
The daiko peoplelaugh and call him my scandal.
What scandal?
I meant it almost right from the start.
What I said and did,I really did mean it right from the very start.

I like him.
And if thats not all,I'm about to be driven insane thinking about him,substituting another's affection to be his that I don't want to do all this anymore cause I'm becoming the me that I don't want to be.
And then alone.

Is it really so hard to just carry on this affection?
Or is my infatuation just so hard-up on him?

I don't know anymore...
I really don't know anymore...
Just let me die.

2009-08-03T12:15:00.000-07:00

I feel his breath,strange warmth on my neck.
I shudder not in fear,but in denial.
It wasn't his words.
It was your's.
Laito.

The last blade is almost in place.
Please,let me die.
I don't want to stay here anymore,hanging on hopelessly...
I want to be free...
Let me go Laito.
Let me go.

I can't even hate anymore.

Cursed

2009-07-22T02:30:00.000-07:00

The day of the cursing draws closer and I still don't know who I truly like.
I want so much for him to understand my conflict just as I do about his.
But does he?

The games are on...

2009-07-21T11:11:00.000-07:00

Randy has left the choices, opting to be a brother instead.
I can understand why he wants things done that way.
But what about me?
I need to have some one there for me too.
I need someone to just be there.

Just there.

2009-07-16T01:42:00.000-07:00

The games that love is playing with me...
I hate it.
But I want it too.
What is it that I want?

Randy and Shen...and Core.
Three guys.
All three are nice to me,and yet, they have times when they make me feel totally non-existant in their lives...
I don't want to dangle on the puppeter's strings,I want to break free!!
And Tom is in the picture too...
What is wrong,what is going wrong...
Things are spiralling out of orbit...to a black hole...

I hate the shinigami's curse.

Shen

2009-07-13T20:49:00.000-07:00

The life that is so void of happiness drags on as I so desperately try to get a hold on myself.
Shen doesn't know my self-torture...
He messaged me when I was working,I don't know how to reply...
I feel so much for him,that intensity,that feverish feel,that panicking pulse,that sweaty palms...
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMORE!

He hurts...
he hurts me so much that he's oblivious to my hurt.
He doesn't know what he's doing is equivalent to emotional murder...
He...doesn't know.

And I don't dare to tell him anything at all...
All in the name of wretched love...

I hate myself for being such a bastard.
I do.
This filth,this stains,this unclean container,this being that shouldn't exist at all.
Not at all...

I want to die.
So let me be,Dom.
Let me die.
Laito-san...Shinigami...who believes what truth is there in life but the lies that we tell each other?

Not anymore.

2009-06-28T10:46:00.000-07:00

The chalet has just ended,and I wind up dragging my assignment through the day with a messed-up state of mind.
Why does he love playing with my mind so?
Just after I cleared up my thinking,to let him go,to focus on my life,he comes back.
I felt so free and at ease with everybody at the chalet,at home with the people I call friends.
Now,don't mistake me because seriously,I did enjoy the chalet.
One was because my friends were there and we seriously just had fun.
Two because the burden of keeping him on my mind was absent.Totally absent.

I don't know what to do with him,I don't know what to do with myself.
I hate the fact that I still like him,as well as him taking advantage of that fact to make me come and go like a dog...
I really want to let go,but I can't bring myself to.
Is it that hard to manage my life the way I want it?

And at the chalet,I realised that I like one of the taiko seniors,and all over again,its the same thing over and over.
The way he posed with the hamster,smiling at me with the hamster. The way he claims that something is cute. The way he just seems to care when I was at my weakest moments,carrying me. The way he just seems to not mind when I laid down next to him or at his feet when sleeping or when he was playing...
All that,in their little ways,made me like him...
But I know that I shouldn't feel that way,because he might not feel the same way,that he might be straight etc.
So I'll just stay at the sides,as a friend,even as a "di",or just there to play together,laugh with him or even just hanging around.
I don't ever want to lose his friendship ever.
I just don't want to.

Please,don't outcast me from you...Shen,don't push me away.

No more questions.

2009-06-24T01:21:00.000-07:00

No more.
Ask me no more.
I don't want to be questioned time and over again...
I want to be left alone,with him.
Mellow affections out of reach,fiery passions even furthur....
I want him to give me an answer,but even that seems to be asking to much of him.
He keeps me hanging in the air,with only sex in his mind...
Is that all that I mean to him?
A boy to satisfy his passions...thats all?
I ask myself if its worth my time waiting.
Answers,anyone?

Desperation.

2009-06-18T11:24:00.000-07:00

I feel a sense of pain.
A sense of desperation.
The taint of doom,how close it lingers...
I smell the searing paint-like vapors of disgust and disdain.

Am I thinking too much?

Perhaps.

But I do not have a guide to lead me in where I'm supposed to go...
The shinigami's love is leading me too slowly...
And my body is so battered,I can hardly stand anymore.

I am falling into the trap again.
The last time,I knew it was a trap the Fates set up for me,yet,I still stepped in.
This time,I know its a trap again,but its harder to step in because the bait is in Malaysia.

But...
Can I stand for long?

The taijutsu is starting to get up again.
For how long do I need to train,I don't know.
But I know that I need to stay focused.

Force to grace,restriction to dexterity...
It all takes time to regain.
And I'm going to spend all the time needed to do so.

Laito-san,guide me in the techniques,and make me strong again.
I want to be able to do what I could.
To protect and to defend.
And yet,to be loved.

Love.
Again.

What is love that binds us beyond?

2009-06-13T13:01:00.000-07:00

I don't know how come we humans are so foolish.
There are people who don't hold on to what they do have.(read:men and their "I-won't-get-caught" mentality)
And we try to get more than our fair share.
Upsize our fate.
Add on with love.
Trade up for cheesy love lines...

All that was love...
It soon translates into hate.
Love a few times...Hate even more times.

What one gives...the other never truly appreciates the favour.
Its pointless to like anyway.
I will never find the right one...if there even is one.

Love was never meant to be.

Fight...Light.

2009-06-06T21:57:00.000-07:00

I can't fight can I?

I get hurt too easily.

The taijutsu that I want to master so much...Its placing a strain on me...

The Hyuga technique is also so complex...

That,and the fact that I can't break the seal...

Too much...

The allure of the void grows,but I just can't step in.

I can't bring myself to...

And I fell for it. The status is single once more...Why can't I just bring myself to just die?

I don't want to be hurt over and over...The blood that I see slowly seeping from the wounds inflicted,both physical and emotional...

What more do the Fates want?

What else do they want to see?

I've been hurt so much I don't look or feel human anymore...

What have I done to cause this entire chain of events?
What is my aim in doing all this?
Self-ruin?
Self-hurt?
Self-pity?
Self-understanding?
Its all about the self isn't it?

I seem to be all too aware about the pain that I want to escape.
Is the loss of one too much?
And what of the gain?
Is gaining one of any real use?

Laito-san...Guide me into true darkness,without which,there is no light to hope for.

Rain.

2009-06-01T19:32:00.000-07:00

Let the raindrops pour down on me.
My energy is nearly depleted,my will-strength fading.
I need to practice again,to sustain...
But...
Where?
Who?
With?
How?

I don't know...
I need to practice again.
Only this time,Laito-san isn't there anymore.
How on earth am I supposed to break the seal,I don't know.
Lets try...
Before its too late.

Dance...or drums?

2009-06-01T08:48:00.000-07:00

Torn again...haha,this ironic plethora of choices that we all face.
Makes it seems as if we have a lot of choices,but in reality,it is but a meagre possibility that we get what we want.
When I really hate to see all this faling apart...

I plead for a choice to take things in my hands...
I plead for just some fairness...
I plead for love from someone...
I just want that little...just that...

Someone is following me on my thoughts,and a mockery is about to start.

As the pantomime is in preparation,I string the bow for lethal action.
I will have the last laugh.
Athena,guide my arrows and give me true aim...
And Laito-san...kiss me luck,my darling deathgod...

In darkness,repent.

2009-05-28T11:15:00.000-07:00

Repentance...
Defiance...
Languid thoughts...placid faces...what is happening around me?
Efforts to pin me down as I struggle desperately for freedom...pain...infinite pain...
A fight ensues,a battle blazes into full fury.
I don't love him.
I pretend to?
Am I?
I don't feel affection for him...
I feel emptiness.
Simple as that.
I don't want to lead him into a farce...
I want to be straightforward about it.
I am going to tell him.
But...who will listen anyway?
The dojo's conflict has been resolved...for once,my efforts of reconcilation has been recognized...
Looks like it was worth the effort after all.
Thats one thing I can smile at.
For now,I think about Aaron,and a smile starts at my face.
Again.

The light of detachment...

2009-05-26T22:30:00.000-07:00

Light from Apollo,fill me with realization,not doubt...
LEPING IS AWESOME POSSUM!!!!(this was typed by Le Ping when I went to the water cooler...friends and their quirky moves...now she is going all muahahahaha...)
Well,thats not what the Deathgod should listen to right?

Its not pain or despair this time...

Wait for me...

crystals...cutting me all over again.

2009-05-19T23:33:00.000-07:00

I see the beauty of the crystals,the lustrous glimmering,the sparkling shine,the dazzling light they emit...
The way they hang in the sky,how it mesmerises and hold me there,enraptured.
That was how I felt when I first saw Timo...I still feel that way,don't get me wrong.
Its just...
I don't know...
It seems like the Fates are starting on their Chase again.
Just like how Athena hunts for the pleasure of the hunt,the Fates chase me around to enjoy the sight of the fear and tension I bear during the Chase.

The pain that I experience after they stop the Chase...
They smile at the blood I spill,drop after drop.
They laugh at the tears I shed,drop after drop.
They cheer at the tension dripping from me.
Drop.
After.
Drop.

I don't want to live on the addiction of hurt,that sado-masochistic habit...
The wanting of the blade,so soothing,so close...
I don't know what I want anymore...

I like Timo for his friendliness,the warmth he shares with me.
I share his thoughts,being ostracised by the general public.
I like the way he treats me the way an elder brother treats a younger brother.
I stay close to him,and he doesn't mind at all.
I like him for who he is.
Let's hope he does too.

But an ominous feeling hangs in the air as I stay with him.
I fear the Fates and their power over every guy that crosses my way...
I don't want this closeness to end.
I want to look him in the eyes and say "Can we be together?"
I want him to take me into his arms and whisper "Yes,just the two of us."
I want so little.
They,the self-recognised ones.
They say I want alot.
They say I want to tear the societal unit apart.
They say I want to wreck the familial block of society.
They say I want to cause Chaos to run free by encouraging passions like mine.
They say...that I am ill.
They say...there is something wrong with me that needs to be corrected.
They say...that I need to be "educated" on the "proper" way of living in society.
They say more than my wants.

This open oppression...this crushing control...this harassing hurt...this abrasive actions...
Who can cleave through the long-standing pressure and find freedom in the world?

All I ever wanted...was love that was true to me.
All I ever asked for...was acceptance by the society.
I want to be me again.

To take off the mask I so tire of wearing.

To stay with him.

To be me.

Laito-san...Free me now...
I'm going insane.
I'm hearing the voices Here,There,Everywhere.
Take me before they do.
I don't want to go insane...
I don't want to be taken...
I don't want to be closed up...
I don't want to hear them!

I need him,but I can't tell him...
I see him,but I can't feel him...
I know him,but its so distant...
I...
I... ...
I... ... ...

I don't want to be hurt.
By him.

The crystals that held me in their mesmerising glow...
They pelt down relentlessly...
They cut deep,deeper than what I can stand...
I fall...screaming "STOP,STOP!!!" to the winds that blow my thoughts astray...
No-one hears me.
Nobody...
Who would stand there,for just that moment,to hear me being hurt?
Who would stretch out a hand to help me stand?
Who would use his body to shield me from the crystals that pierce me over and over?
No-one.
No-one.

Let me off...
Just let me go.
Let me fall off the cliff and just plung into the dark Void...never-ending...never-ceasing...
At least I will know no more.

Then there was...
Peace.

Arrows...

2009-05-17T23:12:00.000-07:00

A shower...
Of pain...
Of infinite pain.

Of arrows...
The infinite arrows of Eros,the Archer of Aphrodite.

As Athena rides the silver stallion Pegasus with her spear in hand,I steady myself,riding the horse of the Deathgods.
I,the Horseman,doing the bidding of the Deathgod I so solemnly bind to by the swear upon the love that should have been stopped young,but still continued.

A yearning stretches out across the desolate landscape,the dunes of time constantly shifting...
A lone raven caws out to the empty landscape before it,too,dis-integrates into dust.

I play with the sand that is everywhere,letting it seep through the gap between my fingers before being blown off to some unknown destination.
Rushing,rushing,always rushing...

A pair of boots appear,connected to this boy with a seemingly typical appearance.
Only that he had four wings,two of the angel's,two of the devil's.
His left-hand was a huge blade.
Laito-san,my Shinigami.

Shedding tears of death...

2009-05-17T18:02:00.000-07:00

The ritual is beginning.
A palpable tension fills the air.
A stern greeting does nothing to alleviate the searing burns that the hungry flames keep inflicting,over,and over.
Again and again.
Never-ending.
Repeatedly.
Endless.

Shinigami,don't cry.
My tears...they are meant for you,so don't cry.
Blood has been repeatedly spilled...Don't take it sadly.

The tears of a Shinigami is not an easy to hold.
It is the tears of Death.

I want an end to this.

Laito-san.
Take me instead.

the loneliness...suffocating...

2009-05-17T03:27:00.000-07:00

Shinigami...
Talk to me.
Blood is flowing out of my mouth,from the cuts he made.
I cry not in pain,but in hysteric,twisted madness.
I laugh to express that knot of loneliness that refuses to be unravelled.
The camp.
Taiko.
The camp.
Dance.
The competition which I so hate.
Drumzout.
Everything clashes.
Why?

Choices,choices,choices.
Where I don't need them.
Lack,lack,lack
of it where I need them.

Where is Justice?
Where is Calamity?
Where is...
Death...

Shinigami...my blood as invitation...
Take it...I'm weak to the point that I can't stand to invite you anymore...
Let the flowing river of red be the carpet you walk upon.
...And every drop be sweet soundless words only you can hear...

Traitor.

2009-05-11T19:22:00.000-07:00

Traitor.

Here.
There.
Here.
You.
You.
Yes,you.
You.

You are one of them,aren't you?
And you.
You.
Stop shaking your head!
Confess,you are!!!

I know it.
One of them.
Here,there,everywhere!!!

I see them everywhere,left right,centre...
Him.
He's here too.
I know he's here.

Those eyes...
Those piercing eyes...

Those hands...
Those burning hands...

Those arms...
Those suffocating arms...

Those lips...
That searing breath...

He's here...
I feel him.
I know that he's here.
I feel his breath,I hear his footsteps,I see his shadow...

He's here.

Shinigami,play with me.
Here.
Come on.
Don't be shy.
I'm here asking you.
You want to play right?
I wanna play too...with you...

A deathgod that doesn't kill...
Irony...

He would know.
He plays with me.
He knows how to make me hurt the way I like it.
Slowly,so I can savour every second of it.
Deep,so that I can relive it again and again.
I miss the pain and hurt he gives,sweet solace to the loneliness and boredom...

I want his hurt.
Every modicum of it.
My hands are shaking with apprehension for the next time he cuts,so slowly,that I beg for mercy and wish I was dead,but he would go on.
He knows I would regret later,asking for mercy,so he would continue.
Through the tears...
And blood...
A libation I give willingly,from my skin,to his lips.
His tongue,to my mouth,to a great climax only he knows how to get at.
We both need each other.
Only Fate knows why we aren't together...

I hate the parting.

I am alone.

Left..nothing left.

2009-05-10T01:28:00.000-07:00

I have nothing to hope for,nothing to live for.
The last Thread that tethered me to the fiasco called hope has been broken.
Pain.
Loss.
Lies.
Hurt.
Disbelief.
Lies.
Humanity.
Sorrow.
Lies.
Mistrust.
Falsities.
Lies.
Society.
Hypocrites.
Lies.

All a pack of lies.
The Fates are excellent in their craft I must admit.
I can't believe I was such a fool to have been taken in by their promise of sweet ambrosaic release from the torment they have been indulging me with for 17 years.
17 years.
17 long,lonely and abusive years.
17 years of pain,neglect and non-existence.
17.
Soon 18.

What is care?
The sowing of soon-to-be-returned care.
What is love?
It is a delusion of partnering and concern.It is a lie.
What is friendship?
A complex balance of give-and-take.
What is here?
What is not now.

Why ask anymore?
'Cause I no longer hear any answer.

The last flight of the owl is due,its hazel-brown eyes scanning the desolate landscape.
The first shinigami takes his cue.
The first name is about to be written,the first life taken.
Misaki.

The game is about to begin.

intentions...unknowingly revealed.

2009-05-07T00:30:00.000-07:00

What are prayers?
What is faith?
What do people trust in?
Is it worth the trust?

What is pain?
What is courage?
What is it that we live by?
Are we even existant in the first place?

The intentions of the Great One Up There(somewhere there)
Well,do we really know of an existence?
If we don't even exist,do the things we do,the things we believe in exist?

Is my love,my hopes,my belief,all existant?
Only hurt and pain affirms my existence to myself.
What is it that I walk on for?
The pain of rejection agagin and again,I just have more coming my way...
A guy,another,and another,and another...and on and on...
The line never ends.
It was never really started was it?

I don't want to hurt...I don't want to be hurt. I want to throw away my existence,to just run away...Is it so hard?
I don't want to feel,I want to stop asking questions that nobody answers.
No-one can ever give me an answer which can truly tell me what I want to know.
Is it going to stop?

Shinigami,let me see you.

class.

2009-05-04T11:08:00.000-07:00

Everything is falling into place,and out of place at the same time.
I don't know how to feel.
Listen people.
Listen.
Do you hear what I hear?
Its not the silence nor peace that I seek.
Its not the sounds that the people create.

It is chaos.
It is turmoil.
It is pain.

Feel.
Don't anyone feel what I do?
But again,its useless to ask isn't it?
The answers I get...I don't really need them.
I see things I don't care to.
Do things I don't want to.
Shed tears I don't have to.
Smile happiness I don't feel at all.

But cry over pain that I feel.
So deep,I can drown in it.
Pain that no-one cares about.
The air hangs so heavily around me,its impossible to breathe.

Freedom seems so intangible,but thats only for those complex in the mind.
Whereas others enjoy freedom,I only get to sample that luxury for a short time,and even then,it leaves with only more chains tieing me in later on.

Somebody teach me how to die quickly.
Be the merciful deathgod to entrust me into death's quiet respite.
I can't last for too long,about to be driven insane with loneliness,pain,pressure,monotony and sadness.

I.
Want.
Release.

Now.

well,the hurt has never really ended in the first place...

2009-04-29T10:08:00.000-07:00

I've been reflecting,on my mistakes,my wrongdoings,my many faults and my many inabilities. I now know why i look like one huge pathetic idiot when I start on my self-infliction of pain...

I was never truly away,never truly free from the pain that was constantly beside me,walking just next to me.

What I thought were moments of freedom were but illusions,mad fantasies that I stepped into when I felt hurt too much.

All this was just one long-drawn episode of pain. The Fates were just leading me on...
And I followed.

One of my greatest crush,Jer,cut me deep today. He told me that...no wait,told is too mild.Shouted at seems to fit better. That I was the worst person ever alive to have messed up his life by causing his bf to break with him. I caused things to fall apart.
Me.
The one who was trying all the while to help them patch up.
What was the point of my efforts,which have been hurting myself all this while?
Everytime,i see him smile,I knew it was not because of me,but because of the other him.
Everytime we went out,he was shopping for the other him. I can't say anything,for fear that he would hate me,blame me for anything that could happen.
In the end,I'm still on the receiving end.
Why...

let the games begin now...

2009-04-29T00:57:00.000-07:00

Class has been fun so far,though I have to constantly find ways to get more money to feed my ever-growing expenditure...Voice lessons are always great with Claire Devine,and the lessons we have for Devised Drama are as active as ever.
However,I don't think I'm learning much for now,in terms of theatrics,as most stuff that I'm going through now is what I already know,or what I learnt in Theatre studies in TPJC.
I digress from what I originally wanted to say in the post.
The games.
Hahahahaha,isn't it funny,calling life a set of games? And love is just one.
I played the role of a small co-actor in the past. Now,I want to be centre-stage with the one I like. But,what is a show without a partner? I know that the time for crying is far past,but what can I do when I can't find a partner? I love my class,because they are like,constantly there,and though I know there are under-currents of avoiding feelings towards me,I know its my fault. Still,I love my class all the same,and I'm proud to be in DADP for that.
But,a lover is always different right?

anyways,regarding a photoshoot yesterday for drumzout,its like,a total camwhore session...lol.we holed up in the handicap toilet (all at amk hub),after an epic fail at the firemen staircase...a whole lot of shh-ing and accidentally triggering the hand-dryer caused a super high group to result.
we had great photos taken(though in the entire thing,brandon,aka blyx kept looking like he was photoshopped into the pic...epic fail)and after he left with his gf,it was time for my kor to come up with a yaoi photo whore session. Watashi uke,she was seme.we had something like an sm pic.
she says i look like a girl without my specs,lol...belt tied round my neck,looking pitiful.lol,epic sia.when i get the photos,i'll upload...hee...i guess thats it for now,so i'll leave it at that till i find the one person to be with me...till then,love is an illusion..i hope not.

now,a turning point.

2009-04-27T21:06:00.000-07:00

Finally,after ages of waiting,i'm back here,simply because i finally found time to do so.
Poly life has started,and i'm getting off my fat ass to move into the groove.
Dancing has rocked my life in sp so far,and swinging my ass around helps i guess.
I've been giving everyone the image that i'm some insane slut,something that i don't intend to change. I made great friends like Rice and Le,and thats something i don't intend to change either.
Yue(from taiko) says she has summer kimonos that she can give me. I am like,going crazy with happiness.
But.
There was an aj meeting on the 24th april,a friday. I went early as usual(5pm,when it was at 6pm).But when the meeting started...great.
Everyone like,gravitated AWAY from mi.I felt so ostracised.i wanna cry over it. They were all like,paired up with someone they knew. I was the odd one out. I knew so.

Now,I have a crazy notion of giving in,throwing in the towel in recognition of the Fate's incomparable power over my life. I don't want to be hurt by their infinite strength anymore. I keep trying to get a guy,but to what extent of loneliness am I willing to step down to,what extent of hurt do I give into?
I don't know what to try,what to fight against,what to be or not to be.
I just want to die.
Like what i said on msn.
Let me die.Just die... No more hurt,no more pain,no more insane,inane pressures.
I...

I need to let go.
Fates...let me go.

pain,a large cut of life.

2009-03-16T13:09:00.000-07:00

I hate the way I just hurt myself.

I hate the way I get myself into stupid situations by being the nice person around.worst of it all,I hate being nice.

I am being played around,I seriously am. And over that,I seriously hate that feeling of being toyed with over and over again.
I just watched the movie " love of siam" and seriously,it provoked a long train of thought.
People like me,we all have to part one day. We still persist in this love that will definitely end one day. We hang on to each other,believing in the one day that we may tell each other "till death doeth us part".
But is this really the love we have,or is it an illusion that we hang on to beccause other truths are opposing to the irrational thoughts that blind us to facts we don't want to know?
What of those who just can't accept the fact that love does have to end one day?
What is it that they have to do to let this love stay with them,even without the statement of commitment sealed with an "I do"?
What is it that they are to commit to each other without the binding vows of all the " I do" to all,in front of a third party?

A love is meant to be mutual,is it not? If that is the case,then why is the society so opposing to the fact that a mutual love between two boys,or two girls,though outside the boundaries of social norms,is still a love just as strong,if not stronger?

The society's self-directed view has been standing for so long,established by the stone rules of tradition,inlaid with the iron foundations of cruel morality and clad with the gold coating of resistance to change that new or even perceived corrections to this "norm"is not a thing to accept,but a thing to argue against.

With the current economic crisis pulling everyone into the complexities of marketing and business model,structures and economics,the love that many have vowed have taken a turn for a chance to cash in on viable source like their partners for a source of money like "ailmony","custody" and "evaluative asset division".
And to think that society claims that boys loving boys will wreck the familial unit in society. What is there to wreck if the familial unit is already tearing itself down?
Perhaps we can also say that it is this restriction against our love that causes those who truly love to stay together,because the knowledge of the hardship of finding true love holds us together. When marriage has become a commodity for the masses,they take it too easily and forget what it was that brought them together.

Has Fate forgotten Mankind's tendencies to forget bitter hardship with the sweet fruit of attainment?

I rest my case.

why is the world made to have such idiosyncrasies...

2009-03-14T14:03:00.000-07:00

The taiko prac went fairly well today i guess.
But I'm more concerned over something else...
I think that the world I know is falling apart.
What used to be so close to me is now so foreign...what used to be so familiar is now completely unrecognizeable...worst of all,people i thought i understood is totally nothing like i know...
What is this world coming to?
I know it isn't normal to like guys,but i feel that the social stigma and the pressure laid on me seems to be the motivational force for the blade...
Is the solace that i seek so faraway,so distant? I hate myself more than Cold for this situtaion i'm in...this irrevocable mess that i threw myself into...
Why did i do this to myself? What did i do to deserve this? My liking of guys?
The social norms seems to thrive on breaking down the different into one same set of rules,and those who just can't fit are thrown to a side,treated as outcasts.
I don't know what i want anymore,I don't know what I trust anymore.
Most importantly...
What is it that society wants out of me,I don't want to follow like the idiot I was anymore...

blood,how i love that sight...

2009-03-11T09:45:00.000-07:00

I have been zombie-fied these few days,living on little sleep,waking up in the wee hours of the morning(5 am,anyone?). and handling idiotic colleagues,irritating customers as well as senseless friends.
People would say that it is impossible for so many people to be at fault,and not me.
I would beg to differ,but what difference does it make? The mould is still set for the sadness I had to bear alone.
My friendship with Cold is on shaky grounds as I step over the boundary and push at his line of patience,which is being worn thin and dangerous to try harder...
He sent me a message,which I guess signals that I either stop trying,or risk provoking him...I don't know how to feel anymore,my heart just shattered...
I cried so hard when i saw the msg,with the moon as my guardian...i vomited blood,and then i laughed at the pitiful state of affairs.
I know not why...

and then...

2009-03-08T03:51:00.000-07:00

damn.
Cold isn't yaoi.
my heart is broken,and i shall mop around like my favorite golden retriever.
I shall try to be his brother,though i doubt i can handle my emotions around him. My emotions is constantly blurred,and my hopes constantly crushed. i wanna cry,but there is no-one to turn to...what should i do,what can i do,i don't know anymore...
the tears which I hate to shed so much,they are threatening to spill on to the laptop as i type this post with shaking fingers...
He knows i like him,but the issue is that he isn't yaoi,and he would treat me at most,as a younger brother. my heart is shattered.
Why, Fates,why?

taiko no tatsujin

2009-03-08T01:45:00.001-08:00

After loads of procrastination,i return,with the enthusiasm of an over-worked accountant.
the week has been both eventful and uneventful to a certain extent,the least of it being me having nothing to do,looking round for jobs,and the best of it being,well...taiko...(i'm an avid taiko drummer...)
I have been looking for jobs(no job coming though...)
Then there is taiko.
Had practise yesterday,prodding me to post stuff about my passion. the practise is at kebun baru cc,and i am,naturally,the least efficient in taiko. I arrived at amk in the morning after sending my brothers to tuition...in my attire,i caught quite abit of attention(no prize for people who can guess why...)i headed straight for the arcade(hey,11 in the morning,what was i supposed to do?)
And there it was,my beloved taiko machine.
And there i started to practise in advance for the afternoon's practise proper.i kept telling myself that i had to pass ranbu oni for the people through the week,and after practising for quite sometime(i'm not gifted in the art of drumming,no)i'm proud to announce that i can stable pass ranbu oni. still,i hope to stable rainbow ranbu oni.
Anyways,i was just playing playing playing the taiko,until gias came along. i wouldn't have noticed him if he didn't walk right up to me and waved in front of my eyes.stupid right?
Later on,a really cute guy came along.(he double blinks,he smiles alot and he is really cute.)
i would never have thought of him as a taiko-ist if it wasn't for the fact that he took out his bachi(sadly,i made a wasted trip and didn't get mine days before...)taking the opportunity,i approached him and found out that Cold(his name) was on the dojo too. i was so happy,i can swear that i would have just died of happiness.
We played taiko together,and that was when my happiness was whacked.
We were both right drummers.that is,we both play on the right side of the machine.
not that it would matter alot,people might say,but it does.i failed ranbu oni on the red side.
so we continued,struggling along with our differences. i guess it was because i liked him...so it was me on the red side almost all the time.
Now on,i shall practise both red and blue side to be more flexible,as well as to play red side,so i can play with him. my fav is blue,but i shall train up red side for him.
anyways,we were quite indecisive when we had to leave,due to political reasons(ahem...ignore..ahem...stuff...ahem...something regarding smses...and..cough..quite lost with...cough...certain people...)until we were late.
We went over to the cc by bus.well,when we reached,after going into the room,i received(i felt it more than anyone else)the most scary scolding from my da jie. the air was like...woah...and i stood the closest to her when she was scolding..so yah,i wanted to cry when she was scolding,but so many people were there,i just held it back...
Practice was bad too,with me being the lowest in standard. i wanted to cry when i couldn't catch the off beat timings etc...i knew i was bad,but i just didn't know it was that bad...all the time,when i looked at Cold,he would smile back. the cheering of the other people didn't feel as strong as Cold's smile,but i smiled back to everyone else anyway...when we finally caught the timings,i was so happy,i wanted to just jump and hug Cold,but with everyone else there,it was just too crowded to do so. not in terms of space though,but in terms of emotional space.
Well,when practise ended(whee,another accomplishment...but damn,one week till the next practise.)we headed to amk hub for dinner. after dinner,with some emptying of like,half the table,under-table politics ruled the court. there was apparently some under-currents of bad emotions flowing around,that by the time it ended,i was quite uncertain of how to feel about some people.
This is why I hate politics.
Any way,we went up to the arcade after a mini series of unfortunate events(the falling apart of a slipper,the stopping of an escalator,shopping,some more politics,lesser though...)
I was so happy to see Cold again,the rest would probably not know.(except my da jie...love her to bits...) We played taiko for a while(understatement,with the rest of the players,i'm literally chopped liver.but i shall not deplore on my non-existent skills.instead,i shall perservere till i can be of substantial quality.) and i finally proved to everyone that i was able to pass ranbu oni.
YAY!!!
And after all the playing(love Cold to pieces...)I finally had to go(and dragged Cold along.couldn't resist the urge to walk with him.).
After we moved around and walked off,I returned to the empty shell called home...why do i have to come back here...

the past few days were...

2009-03-02T10:35:00.000-08:00

i left off last wednesday,so i'll continue with thursday.

on thursday,i had aspire camp volunteer work with SANA(singapore anti-narcotics association.).That day,I had to handle little kids who were in the camp as part of SANA's preventive education scheme. This batch happens to be from Fengshan primary,primary 6 at that. I was having problems handling the group,minor problems,that is. My group was rather restless,and sharp-tongued too. However,all that came to a needle-points turn when we came to a game called "Mid-night maze",where the participants(everyone in the group)had to be blindfolded and put in a dark room,with only a rope to lead them. I was pretty sure that the entire group would be scared of the room,because usually(an interesting trend this is too) the louder and more rowdy a group is,the more scared they are to step out off their "comfort zone",to quote psychological terms. My group?(laugh to myself)they were trying all sorts of asking to not be blindfolded.

there was one boy called junjie,who had me hold his hands till into the room,where I had to let go. well,all I can say is after the game,he was alot closer to me then before.

I drew something for him. It is stuff like this that makes me believe in the innocence of humanity.

But that was before.Now,I feel that fleeting kind of emotion for one day,and thats the end of it.

Well,something similar happened on friday,'cause I had aspire camp as well. but as far as i'm concerned,i go in hope of finding a speck of human innocence,only to tell myself it is a lie over and over,that it never lasts...

And on to saturday.(oh by the way,I didn't get to sleep much. My considerate brothers were at their least noisy volume.not.)I woke up with a sleepy head twice. Why a sleepy head? Because I slept at 6.30 am in the morning.First time I woke up,I saw my clock saying 5 minutes before 8am,so I went back to sleep. The 2nd time I woke up,I saw the clock saying 8am,so I went back to sleep. The 3rd time I woke up,the time had barely passed. Ideal as it was if time passed that way,I looked slightly to the right at the second clock,because I knew it was impossible for time to move sooooo slowly.

HORRORS!

It was...2pm!I jumped off the bed,nearly crying in panic.I was late for taiko practise,the first one at that too! I brushed my teeth and washed up in record timing,and with clothes in my bag, I ran off to the bus stop.
Stopping by at white sands to change into my more comfortable wear,(and dropping my psp in the process...)then I ran off(literally) after bus88.
And then arrived at ang mo kio,which then decided it was fun to be raining. without my umbrella.Naturally.
So I did as I thought most natural,I ran for it,afterall,I was late. And arrived at the opposite bus-stop with all exposed parts on me(well,i was in a singlet and shorts,make a guess) wet. Even the ah beng took off his sunglasses to convince himself that this person was a guy,not a girl.
Can I help it?
An empathetic "no" will suffice.
And now,I shall sleep for one hour before the next day starts.Strange,the suicidal tendencies seemed to have faded right?
No.
Watch out for my next post,its coming.
Till then,may the Fates play easy on my hands...for me to master Ran bu oni.

loss of thoughts...

2009-02-25T09:50:00.000-08:00

The past few days have been lethargically empty,with nothing to do...

I've been eating so much,I can just imagine myself swelling...

Still,I shall try to slim down. I have to maintain a light frame,because I hate being fat.

I was fat in primary school,and now that I'm no longer so,I don't want to return to that nightmare of being fat ever again...Who understands the sheer shame of being laughed at due to one's size? By your own family members,no less,and your crush too.

I guess when I took up the knife wanting to carve the fats out of myself,I had let thoughts run wild too long...

Still,I live in the present,and I want to be realistic. No longer shall I dwell on irrational stuff like cutting up my stomach...lemons are now my friends i guess...for now.

the days that pass in futility and emptiness...

2009-02-24T09:35:00.000-08:00

On 23rd feb,I went out at 5 pm after having spent like,eons at home doing nothing but laze around looking for something to pass time. Going out,I found a focus on myself and the surroundings,a less lethargic feeling as compared to being cooped up at home. If I was at home,I would constantly be feeling drained,my mind restless. And even if I had a task at hand,I will never have the motivation to complete it.

And so I left that place of cold void emptiness,to look for the friend I cancelled on the day before. And rush I did,late as I was,speeding myself to the disappointment that lay ahead.

I finally got there,at Vivocity. I started up the escalator according to the pace as set by the music I was listening to then,Aikoi.

When I finally found my friend at Daiso,he expressed nothing but a sense of definite anti-climax upon seeing me. Whatever I might have done to deserve that kind of treatment,i dunno.

Well,after the most disappointing trip in my life,with my friend looking at a guy while we were at mac's,i decided to head for home,tired as ever,but still bobbing along to aikoi's rhythm...the day was finally over.Until home that is.
My family left a huge pot of spaghetti on the stove for me to clear,and thanks to natural house-keeping talents,I managed it on my own. Finally,after a day of nothingness,I could go back to the place of fantasies and dreams,of things that will never happen...

The day that I started a new habit...

2009-02-22T23:24:00.000-08:00

It was the 22 feb yesterday,and I went out early in the morning to this SOKA thingy with my family. They always have programs that I have no idea what the meaning is,and sadly, I almost always comply with their wishes,afterall,I don't really have a choice...
Well,I guess there was something I learnt at that place,and that is the phrase "nameohorigaekyun",used to pray and convey their wishes to the god.
I was lured there,many can tell,because I am so interested in japanese culture. What is the link?
Well,some nice person told me that it was supposed to be a Shinto ritual,that ends at 5.
So,I told my friend I would meet him at 6 at Vivocity.
But the Fates who has been making my life so miserable decided against it,putting paid to the trip. How?
By having my family decide,by a sudden stroke of inspiration to go out to eat,and eat alot at that. We went eating at Geylang,and woah,did we eat! We tried duck's tongue,duck feet,chicken feet,all on one platter(intro-ed by my aunt),spicy stuff that was...(my bro refused to touch any,his loss...). After that,we went to have frog porridge,but alas,it was closed. So we settled for steamboat instead. Tummies filled,we decided to head for home.
Along the way,I was sms-ing my friend,cancelling on him. Boy,was he mad at me...I suppose it is my fault,but then again,when has things not been my fault?
We then headed to try some famous grass jelly bean curd thing,but it just tasted plain to me. So much for famous...
Finally,all our bodylines ruined after all that sinful delights,we departed for home.
But even then,the family wanted more. They decided to go and shop at Sheng Siong before heading for home. That got me really pissed. Really really pissed.
So when they headed down to Sheng Siong,I just sat there,outside. I couldn't be bothered anymore. I just didn't want to be bothered.
By the way,for those who are curious,the new habit I mentioned is to bring my camera around with me,and take pictures. Though I do take pictures now,I still have no idea how to upload them,so I guess it'll be awhile before I start posting pictures here...

And now,new year. Finally on time.

2009-02-21T01:32:00.000-08:00

And I stepped into the New Year,full of sadness,for when people crowded at the exit of the past year,cramming to the entrance of the next,I was pulled in against my will,bidding the old year a farewell overspilling with too many things left unsaid,too many mistakes to make right. So I started the New Year.

As with tradition in my family,we all played through the night,before the young ones made for their sweet welcoming beds,while mine signalled the night of tears as the memories of my mistakes came back to haunt me again and again,every night,every time I closed my eyes. The New Year was not something that changed every year.It was,to me, a useless demarcation of a passing of something relative put into context with the self-recognised intelligence of mankind.

Who invented time?

Who made the first measure of time?

What is to say that we can't be taking steps in a different,relative dimension from one another?

Most of all,what proof is there that man is right to begin with?

I digress,much against my will.

As I stepped into the New Year,a foolhardy instinct came to me,telling me to not be stupid and waste my time languishing over past mistakes of not doing,not trying. So I stepped up on self-advertisement,trying to get people,boys either my age or above especially,to notice me. I wrote private messages left right centre,talk to people I probably wouldn't even have noticed before,and made my social circle expand exponentially. But it is still futile,up to now. I'm still a sad 17,nearly 18 year old who is still single,without a boyfriend. Not that it is easy,because I am an uke(and look up the terms yaoi,seme and uke for people who don't know what I am saying).

I now know what it means to be desperate,what it means to be really hurt,as compared to the fiction I used to indulge in. I used to make my life look a lot more than it really was,but now,things really happen to me,and I no longer have to rely on fiction to try and feel and empathise with others. I tried drugs,I got myself into fights,I hurt,I got hurt...the list is non-exhaustive.

But to what cost? Alcohol never gets to me. The last time I was at a class gathering,I shocked everyone at the party,pretending to be under the influence of a Barcadi. They all think that I was drunk,but the truth was that I knew everything I was doing. I told this guy,Ian,that I liked him,and he would've believed me if it wasn't for the fact that my friends dragged me away that I would have told him I wasn't drunk. I had to act like I was drunk,to do stupid stuff I always wanted to.

I hated everybody,the way they sound as if they knew what they were doing. I admit,there are some who do,but seriously speaking,many of them have no idea as to what they were doing,and it irks me to hear them go on like a proud reflection delighting in its owner.

Still,I went on with my life,trying to be sensible,telling myself that I was wrong somehow,that mankind was not as bad as I make them out to be.

Until I started on relationships.

I fell apart.

The relationship was started by him,and ended by him. Try as I might,I knew that I should never have trusted the lack of maturity a 14 yr old had. I was in so much of a position to refuse him,but it was interesting to watch the play unfold. So,I played along. And hard it felt,when I was pushed away,emotionally. The hurt I felt was much more than what I thought it would be. I cried,I laughed,I walked,I slept...I went through the typical craziness I always did. No-one thought anything had gone wrong with me,they just thought they knew. I was hurt,but being the idiot that I was,I kept it to myself. It would be mad to tell the world anyway,as I was proven right. The society has no time nor tolerance for a romantic like me,much more on that fell out of social norms to like guys.

I then went on,even while I was with him,to meet some other guys around my age. I liked to meet guys to get myself into a mess,many would say,if they met me. They saw my face,they saw my sadness...

I never knew how deeply I felt about love,how I was one who would be so affected by love,the gain,the loss...until I went to K Box with my cousins. I sat there,trying to sing along to most songs,but when a particular song came along(see my songs),I wanted to cry. I cry whenever I hear that song now,but for what,I don't know. I want to love,but what extent am I to trust myself? Can I trust in my judgement? I don't know anymore. Am I even worth the effort,considering the fact that I am nothing much to be with?

I don't want to know,because I am only good at making bad decisions,and no-one wants to help me any longer. I am shunned,and perhaps well I deserve that. Trials were once made to make people stronger,but(to quote Jimmy Dean)"knock a man once to many times over,take away his guts,and what is he? What is he?". That sounds so sensible,so smart.

I've been hurt too many times,and the effort to maintain my friendliness,my tact,my cheerful exterior,its too much. I have died before,what is it to die again? I killed before,I nearly got killed,but what good came out of it? This soiled hands,what is blood? Many people take my close nature and effeminate behavior to be a softness they can bully,but many do not understand that I can take a stand against all that nonsense. They continue,despite their better judgement to stay off. Though many usually do not get past my tolerance,the few who do know better than to try again. I usually cry and shout when I was young,but now,I have been dealt one cruel blow too many,and the soul which is trying to reclaim lost innocence is one that is shattered,pained and wounded,waiting,searching for this guy who will help him find what he seeks,and ease the pain. Love,perhaps,is the only medicine to the illness it caused.

A continuation to the sorrow...

2009-02-21T00:29:00.000-08:00

The blade is asking for a blood libation to be poured out to the gods,what should I do?
As I said till yesterday,my heart still crying its tears of unfulfilment,I don't know what to do anymore. I try once and again to get Seth's attention it the beginning,but it seems that I was trying too hard,for he started to back off,frightened by this person pouncing on him. So I backed off. We are friends now,and we smile everytime we see each other,but I think the hope of ever getting him to be my seme is non-existant...
Well,then there was the departure of a friend i made at a party which I wore a kimono to(my friend say its something else,but I don't know how to spell it...) I went to stay over at her house,and it was there that we confided into each other for so long, that sleep herself drained me dead. She was an emotional intellectual just like me,and when two of our kind meets,well,the impact is just marvellous. But she had to leave,to return to Africa.I didn't cry in front of her,in fact,I kept myself smiling(but no-one can understand the pain of smiling to someone you are going to miss so much...)
I cried myself to pieces when she left,me spending the night huddled in the toilet in the airport. I couldn't go home,because the buses had stopped service,while I huddled myself in the cold cubicle of the clean cold toilet. A man came into the toilet at 2.15am,and started wanking. Oh my god,I swear I almost died trying to shut out his moans of excitement,but who in the world would be desperate enough to wank in the airport's toilet? Apparently only this sad soul who thought that there was no one else in the toilet. By the time 5.15am arrived,I was sitting there,asleep in the toilet. I woke up with a start,and went to take the bus home. I never felt so relieved to reach home,the place where I so desperately want to escape,the place where I suffer the taunts of my family which bears no thought of allowing me a moment's peace.
A place which taught me to have a double personality,a place which had me desperate enough to run to the street and most of all,the place which,in all my hurt and sorrow,showed me no kindness of speech and thought. I guess that if there was a place which I am to pinpoint my love for boys to,it would be there. Teenage angst,rebellion and after that,a numbness to insult and a desperate need for love,that would be all I guess.
That closed the door in my heart.
But all these were quite long ago,and sad pasts should only be revisited in happier times,not in a time like this,when I feel like a puppet being tossed around by people I thought would be kinder to my sorry state.

The beginning of the end...of my life.

2009-02-20T12:13:00.000-08:00

I have fallen in love with the razor,and it seems that i can hold myself back for only so much longer before I take that last step to satiate the blade's long call for blood...
One week has passed since a bbq which I enjoyed with my current "god-brother",my ex...It was then that I realised how far we are ever since the day he pushed me off the cliff into my current state of never-ending tears and long-dragging emo...It was when I was at his lift,his house lift,when I realised we were standing too close to each other. The distance we have to maintain is not because of the break,but rather a self protection for me,seeing that I would not be able to forget sweet times I share with people...That simple statement of "why are you standing so close to me?" signed the agreement on my part to and the relationship after he claimed that it was too stressful for him.
During the bbq,I got myself re-acquainted with some previously known people,and knowing even more,like this cute fella named "dan". He was ever this fragile sounding guy,who will whine over the smallest stuff,like the dent on his mouse,which I bet he hasn't gotten over. I wanted so much to say wat i feel,but its impossible. He likes girls,so near,yet so far. Although I felt he was pretty intimate with one of the other guys, kept my mouth shut for fear that that would be the end to the possibility of us having even a simple friendship. This is me,always fearing the worst when it comes to handling affection... The bbq itself was not much fun,considering the fact that I don't think anything was really planned save for the food...still,some things did happen,small matters no doubt...
Firstly,when I went to fetch my god-brother,I went to E-hub's num shop,to this guy I had a total crush on. His name is Seth,and I first met him when I went in with my friend to get flip-flops after her's had broken inside ntuc. Many people tell me that I dwell on the accidentals for too long,and I think that comment is apt for this case,where I still like him up till now over the first "welcome" he greeted us with,and that smile.
I digress.
I brought my god-brother up to meet him,and that was that. I also met him two days ago,but I doubt that is of any importance,since the only time I get to see him is when he works...He is in Nanyang Poly's Visual Communications now,whereas I'm in Singapore Poly's Applied Drama and Psychology now. The Fates made him the sameage as me,with the perfect build to be my seme,but then take him away,such is the Fates' game. Thanks to that,I cried myself to sleep for two days,just like what I will be doing in awhile...